Do you make mental lists of all your tasks? When your partner does a task, do you follow behind? Does your partner often utter the phrase: “you didn't ask me!”? Don't you remember the last time you sat around doing nothing? If you feel identified, you may have the female mental load syndrome. Don't worry, you are not alone, according to a P&G study, 71% of women in Spain suffer it.
The journalist Samanta Villar has just published the book The feminine mental load. Or why women continue to run the home at zero cost with Sara Brun. And what is the mental load? It is the act of being aware of everything, of being the final responsible for what happens in your house. It is having your brain constantly busy not forgetting anything. Keep reading because we are going to explain how to combat it.
We spoke with Samanta about mental burden, motherhood, conciliation and sisterhood. Little thing.
What have you done to ease your mental burden?
The key is stewardship, talking to your partner and sharing the load. You have to say: "I need you to take responsibility for this, from today and forever, do not ask my permission, you make the decisions." For example, if you are in charge of the purchase, it is your responsibility to have everything when you need it.
Luckily, my partner and I realized that we were very co-responsible. The problem is that we both wanted to command all decisions regarding children. We had to take a step aside to understand each other well.
To ease the mental load you have to say what we need, sit down, talk and negotiate. But it can't be that they sit around and wait for us to tell them what to do.
How have you learned to give in with your partner?
You have no choice but to learn, you have to be more humble. Women carry responsibilities in part because it gives us power. If what we want is to rest and take a break we have to delegate. This is what a good boss does: she delegates and accepts that the work is not done exactly as she wants, but it is done. In the end it is to go negotiating, yielding and planning with the couple, establishing minimums.
Have you imagined yourself being a mother before you became a mother? Has it resembled?
No, I didn't imagine anything. When the children arrive, a new facet of both men and women appears. That is why many couples separate the first year, because they begin to see things that they do not like. Also, the first year of motherhood is very hard. It requires a lot of flexibility, tolerance and humility.
Motherhood is a moment of very wild self-control, because your impulse is to impose your decisions on those of the father. But you have to think that he wants the best for your children, just like you.
"We women carry responsibilities because it gives us power"
If you had another son or daughter, would you do something different?
Yes, I would sleep more. I have found that to be basic. If I don't sleep, I can't behave the way I want to behave, I bring out the worst version of me. I get super edge, because I'm tired, sadder, I see everything black, I'm more pessimistic …
I would breastfeed again for the first 3 months, but would only dedicate myself to breastfeeding and sleeping. You are aware that it is a bad 3 months and then it starts to improve a little. Make a retreat from the world to be for the baby and me, and let everyone else do the rest.
It is very positive that women start talking about the bad things about postpartum. At the time it was a scandal when I said it, but it opened the ban. It seems that every time there are more women who are sincere. Someone would have to tell us that you can't rest when you're a mom.
What would the ideal of conciliation look like for you?
Companies would have to worry about the family of the workers. They would have to sit with you and say: what do you need? What do we need as a company? A more flexible schedule, perhaps. The company should say to women: let's talk about how we do it so that you can keep working and don't go crazy.
Imagine that there was communication between the companies of the respective couples and an agreement of the type was reached: you can go out earlier on Monday and Wednesday, and you, on Tuesday and Thursday. This would share the burden between the companies. More creativity and flexibility are needed.
The family is crucial to society. Without family there is no birth rate. Capitalism is sustained by families. Maybe the company has to understand it with legislation, but the ideal thing would be not.
Is there a mental burden without children?
It is much less. Without children you have many more hours to yourself. It is different, although the tasks are distributed more or less. It is a load that generates less stress. With the children it seems that if you are not aware, everything fails. That this is a myth, it seems that if you are not pending, nobody is pending. And it is not true.
"The superwoman poster is a con like a pine tree top"
How do we face the myth of the superwoman? Be the best mother, the best professional, the best partner, take care of yourself, be culturally up to date …
The superwoman thing is the biggest deception to which we have been subjected. The superwoman poster is a con like the top of a pine tree. Know what it is? It is to give you a pat on the back so that you remain unhinged, they give you the social award of "wow, what a good mother, what a good professional", so that you go to the limit. They have teased us. I already give you the superman poster. It is a scam. But how are we so dumb? Simply by positive reinforcement, we are left with all the burden and stress.
I am a worldly woman, normal and ordinary. I am imperfect. If I don't get to everything, nothing happens, I'm not going to get overwhelmed, because the normal thing is not to do everything well, not to get to everything. Nothing happens: I live better and I am happier. We must claim that we are human, not superwomans.
We deceive ourselves, we are all half poor, half sad, overwhelmed, complaining, it's that my husband doesn't help me, I don't get to everything …
Don't put up posters and give me solutions. How am I going to go to yoga in the morning if I haven't slept? Are we nuts?
We must begin to claim that we are fallible, not infallible. The cool thing is to be imperfect, to know how to say no, to have my space to myself … I'm human.
Mental load has many ramifications, for example, mom shaming. How do we deal with mothers who criticize other mothers?
I don't listen to them, I ignore them. There is mom shaming but there is shaming of everything. People give their opinion with freedom and joy… You have to have a strong personality, know what you want and be assertive. Ignore the shamers. You have to set an example with respect, if I respect the positions of others, you respect mine. Also, people often respond with the same attitude. You have to act with peace, sweetness and tranquility.
I'm about to leave Twitter, I don't have to be wasting my time… Am I going to be listening to the nonsense people say on Facebook? What a waste of time.
You have to get past the mom shamers and their f *** ing mother.
Do you think that the role of sacrificed saving mother is going to disappear?
There will be more co-responsibility. There is a feminist movement that is reaching a lot among young people … Those who are now 20 years old have a very different awareness of the role of women in society than a few years ago, when the subject was not even discussed. In addition, there is a gasp among men of wanting to be more present in raising their children. Because socially it is still frowned upon. If a man is late or leaves before work because he has to pick up his son from school, sooner or later someone will tell him: what can't his wife? They are also judged for being more present in their children's lives. It is a very nice opportunity to change the situation.
"Sisterhood is very important: we have to support ourselves among those of us who are into shit"
When we explain the mental load and someone says: “how exaggerated you are”. What do we answer?
What daring is ignorance. Let's be practical, take responsibility for everything and then see if I was exaggerated or not. You take over the school meetings, enrollment, birthdays … Do it yourself. Let's not waste time arguing.
And when faced with a… “You did this because you wanted to!”?
That is very unfair. It is not understanding the complexity of life. How can I not complain if I go to the limit. Empathy. You have to be empathetic. That's what you have to answer: you lack empathy.
Sisterhood is very important: we have to support ourselves among those of us on the edge, in shit. If someone doesn't get it, let them get out of our way. Let's make our networks to help us in what we need.
"Someone would have to tell us that you can't rest when you're a mother"
Does the state or society have any responsibility to alleviate the mental burden?
Yes. It is very good that maternity leave is equated with paternal leave, but company policy is lacking. All companies have to understand that dialogue must be done to benefit families. Unions have to have a gender and care perspective as well. Claim for men and women.
Many men have to understand that they have to take on new responsibilities and many women understand that they have to delegate. The revolution is total. I have no doubt that it will be done because it is not productive to have half the population, women, unhinged. Now is a good political moment to achieve that change, look at the evolution in a few years of parental leave. I am optimistic, we are getting better but it cannot get worse, we must not lose the piston.
As Vox governs, we can forget about all this. We are in a super dangerous moment, I think that awareness has not yet been taken. It is dangerous for all the conquest of rights in general, not only of women.
