It's been a tough few months. Locked up at home, living with the same people and even today, we continue to face a present that does not stop changing. More than ever, it will be necessary to work on our ability to communicate well, to know how to handle conflicts. Problems can arise in your workplace, arguments with your partner or family or uncomfortable situations on the street, for example. You learn to resolve conflicts and the main tool is communication.
Are your emotions
"Conflicts are not a problem of reasons , they are a problem of emotions," explains Ferran Ramon-Cortés, an expert in communication. The first step in trying to resolve a conflict is to understand this premise. When we argue, we seek to be right by stating facts that for us are absolute truths, but are really about feelings. We do not speak looking for an agreement. Most conflicts arise, more than because of the problem itself, because of the way we say things.
Assertiveness
Being bothered or hurt by another person's attitude is legitimate, but we have to be able to realize it in order to speak calmly. Fortunately for our relationships there is assertiveness , which is the ability to say what we think and feel without belittling our interlocutor.
Ways to communicate
The psychologist Ciara Molina, author of the book Expressed emotions, overcome emotions (Ed. Zenith), explains that there are three types of communication that we can adopt when faced with a conflict. We see it with an everyday example. You work late and you have arranged to meet your husband where he will do the shopping in the morning. When you arrive tired at night, she tells you that she has not been able to go because she has been too busy. You have nothing for dinner. How would you answer?
- Passive communication. You say nothing happens and it stays inside you.
- Aggressive communication. "I come home exhausted and it turns out that you've decided that you didn't need to go shopping today."
- Assertive communication. “We had agreed that you bought. If something has come up, let me know and we would have thought of an alternative ”.
An assertive person respects himself while respecting the other. When we communicate like this, we manage to agree on our rational part with our emotional part, we feel better and we reinforce our self-esteem.
Resolve conflicts
Discussions, conflicts, misunderstandings … they can occur both on a personal and professional level, but the way of dealing with them is very similar. Amir Kfir and Stephen Hecht have been resolving business disputes for more than three decades and have developed a very easy 3-step method that can be applied to any situation: the Nonflict Method .
- Step 1. Each of us share our point of view and try to understand that of the other person.
- Step 2. Agree on what the problem is and highlight what works well in the situation.
- Step 3. Create a scenario together, point out the obstacles that prevent it and then agree on solutions to break them down.
In a work situation we are usually clear about what limits we must not exceed and how we have to speak. It is highly recommended to try to have this same attitude in personal conflicts.
The cocktail of success
Be clear about what you want, but also put yourself in the other person's shoes. Do not seek to be right. Try not to yell, or accuse the other, or cry. Express how you feel and let the other do it too. Do not interrupt. If you adopt these guidelines, chances are the other one will too. If he doesn't, or you feel like you can't do it yourself, put physical distance between you and postpone the conversation.
Easy techniques for times of conflict
The psychologist Ciara Molina shares the techniques she teaches in online workshops to learn to work assertiveness.
- Fog bank. It seems that you are agreeing with the other person, but do not deny your position. "You may be right, but …".
- Broken record. It consists of repeating your point of view in a calm way. "Yes, I know, but my point of view …" or "I understand you, but what I say is this …".
- Assertive delay. If she raises the tone or the other is defiant, simply say: "We better talk later, I'm tired."
- Bankruptcy of the process. Respond to criticism or provocations with nonsensical monosyllables: "Yes", "No", "May" …
- Assertive agreement. It's about admitting a mistake but separating it from being a good person. “Yes, I haven't done what you asked me to do, but I'm generally responsible. So sorry".
- Assertive irony. If the other makes a hostile criticism, you can say "Yes, I love you too."
- Assertive question. Asking us to explain again the behavior or act that has bothered you so much: "I understand that you are angry about what I said or did, but what exactly has bothered you?
- Ignore. It is about ignoring the reproach. “I think we are too angry and we will end up saying things that will hurt us. We better talk when we are calmer ”.
- Process the change. Don't let it go around the bush or generalize. "We are deviating, we better talk about what concerns us today."
