When a loss occurs in our immediate surroundings or there is someone admitted to the hospital or something tragic happens such as the Barcelona attack, children, although they apparently do not realize the situation, tend to be very aware of behaviors, reactions and comments from older people. They are perfect detectives, capable of perceiving our deepest emotions. And like good detectives, they throw us questions that we often struggle to answer.
Why is talking about death with a child so complicated? Surely because they are issues that put our ideas, our beliefs and, why not, our existential doubts in check. But it is best to give them an honest, sincere and age-appropriate answer.
They can read our non-verbal language and our silences, understanding more through these signs than what they understand from our words. So when we try to free children from anguish or worry, we divert the subject of death and, without realizing it, we increase their fears.
An age-appropriate explanation
We all know that death is an inescapable fact of life. We also know that children experience the news of death in unique ways. Some children begin to ask questions around the age of 3, others at 10 may be indifferent to the disappearance of a loved one but are utterly heartbroken at the loss of a pet.
Parents have the obligation and the duty to guide the little ones in their doubts, always keeping in mind that children are aware of death long before we realize it. To help them, we must not lose sight of the fact that at each stage their perception of death changes.
From 3 to 4 years
At this age they understand death as a reversible situation. They see in the cartoons that the cat chasing the bird is stepped on by a car, it lies flat on the asphalt but then gets up and nothing happens. Death is not yet a definitive state for them. They still do not feel vulnerable because there is complete ignorance. Some are curious when they see dead insects or birds, but their questions do not imply that they want to know what physically happens when a person dies.
- How to act. At this stage, if your child asks you “Is he dead?” The best answer is “Yes”, nothing more needs to be added. Do not be surprised if even having talked about death, the child returns to his games saying "Well, I'm never going to die." Let him maintain this attitude until he needs to talk about it again.
Between 4 and 6 years
At this stage, children discover death in other people, so for the first time they will have to make the effort to understand something they do not accept and to which they feel very vulnerable. Some children cry and feel deep sadness, others nevertheless resolve it through fantasy. It is a complex process in which reason, feelings and fears are at stake.
- How to act. In these cases, it is best to give an honest, calm and simple answer. If he asks you if you too are going to die, an appropriate answer may be: "In many, many years, when we are very, very old." Avoid giving long explanations and opt for easy-to-understand answers. Nor should we forget that at these ages their world is still interwoven with real and imaginary events, so sometimes they give themselves answers tailored to their needs. If so, you have to leave them, because that means that emotionally they cannot yet assume another more complex response.
Starting at 7 years
You have to try to alleviate their fears because from these ages, and even more so between 9 and 10 years, some children become obsessed with death as something irreversible. Some even develop theories about life or imagine that by the time they die, they will have invented some medicine to live longer or be eternal.
- How to act. This type of fantasy indicates that they need to put a playful aspect before what they do not accept. Before adolescence, it is convenient to make them understand the importance of remembering people who disappear and you should bear in mind that as they grow and live new experiences, they will need more clarification to understand their feelings.
